Lose You To Love Me
by everyone'ssister
Summary: tag for 15x03. "Are you willing to sacrifice the whole world, to sacrifice you're brother...just for me?"


LOSE YOU TO LOVE ME

tag for 15x03. "Are you willing to sacrifice the whole world, to sacrifice you're brother...just for me?"

It was questions like this that brings Sam face to face with the person he is. He fought tirelessly for the good of everyone, for the world, but there always came moments like this. Where a life stood before him and that life was placed on the scales opposite Dean's. And he played judge and jury every single time.

Rowena pressed a knife into his palm and asked, "Me or Dean?" And damn her, damn her, damn her...of course she knew what Sam's answer would be. His life long answer...the answer his very soul would give every single time. His very Being rested easier after the knife was plunged deep into Rowena. Because it wasn't Dean...tears in his eyes spilled over in grief and thankfulness to the witch, his friend. Thank god it was her and not his brother.

It had to be ugliest thing about him. This self preservation that came to life in protecting Dean no matter the cost. That treasured his brother's life far beyond his own and all those on earth with them. Because without Dean who was Sam? What was he doing, what was he meant to do without his older brother? It had to be the ugliest thing about him...but oh the beauty and peace that the love wrapped them in. Cocooning them together, no matter what. They held on to each other and protected each other because that in and of its self was self preservation.

What were they without each other? How _alive_ were they without each other?

The weight of the things Sam had done in order to protect Dean would see his soul delivered to hell. Both of them. But they had never been able to stop the habit. Never been able to make the most selfless of sacrifices...

Sam knows thoughts like these would just weigh him down, get him stuck in his head, bog him into a dark and dangerous place. And there is nothing he can do to change or go back on his decision now even if he wanted to. He didn't. But still his compassionate soul is filled with an infinite fond sadness. All _life_ ended brought that grief, that feeling of wrong.

That's all Sam had ever wanted. That's all Dean had ever wanted. That all the world had ever tried to do even if God hated them for it. _Live_.

. . .

_Dean's eyes are wide and confused and he stumbles a little as he hurries to Sam's side. His hands are spread in front of him and big, green eyes scan up and down his little brother's frame. __**Are you okay?**_ _Is the silent question and Sam just kind of leans towards his incoming older brother and Dean catches him around the waist with one arm. The other coming up to support him by landing firmly in the cent of his chest. _

_The touch, the surety-that yes, this is all real-momentarily pushes the breath all the way out of his lungs. He clings to the arm of Dean's jacket, and suddenly doesn't feel very strong...the dread, the relief, the sorrow, the happiness...rushing through him like a tsunami wave and Dean grunts as he tries to bear up under Sam's weight. _

"_Okay, okay," Dean says softly as he goes down with Sam, gently lowering them to their knees. "You're okay, I gotcha, I gotcha." And that's too much in and of itself. Dean's got him. More importantly __**Sam's got Dean**__. "Sammy..." Dean mumbles gently, "Sammy, breathe for me, just breathe, you got it..."_

_And Dean's right. Breathing is easy, he's been doing for a while now but the air feels so grating as he sucks in his first breath and he feels a desperate sob release as his exhale and Dean hugs him so tight. His hand cups the back of his head and presses Sam's face to his shoulder. The heaviness, the pure fear and guilt and heartbreak is crushing him. _

_He killed her. His friend...someone who hadn't been attempting to so much as leave a scratch on him. And Sam had just buried the knife to the hilt in her small body. So easily, so much like any other demon or supernatural being. The tears release as he remembers her pretty smile and mischievous sparkling eyes...her __**life**__. And he had ended that. Put a dead end stop to it. _

_He pulls away from Dean, looking down at his hands through tears and gasping breaths. One is painted red, such a familiar sight but it breaks him. He's shaking and his eyes leap up to Dean's. Nothing in his mind is lining up and making sense right now but he does know one thing, he can look to Dean to make it better. _

"_Dean." He pleads airily, and his brother knows just like that, with one glance between red, crying eyes and a bloody hand. _

"_Shit, yeah it's okay, it's okay, imma deal with it." He swears and fumbles in his pocket pulling out a bandana and grabbing Sam's hand gently and rubbing it quickly, Sam looks away feeling sick, chest heaving and he can feel his breath quickening again, can feel wetness streaking down his cheeks._

"_Sammy, look at me." Dean says so softly, and the younger Winchester does. Dean's fingers tenderly tuck some unruly strands behind his ear, thumb rubbing tears away, the coolness of the breeze on his wet face clearing Sam's head a bit. "Stop now, listen to my voice and stop right now...don't think about it."_

_And Sam knows what he means, what he's saying...don't picture those last few moments, don't remember how gentle her smile was, don't remember how she called you her boy..._

. . .

Sam can't really stop. But he does try and, he smiles thinking of it, Dean does his honest best to distract him. His brother pushes him into his room with a clean towel and a promise of food and a strong drink afterwards. He smiles with the warm and playful nudges and teasing remarks, how Dean can draw him out and melt all the numbness from his soul is beyond Sam.

Hair still wet, Sam leaves the bathroom, not interested much in seeing his own reflection tonight. As promised Dean appears with two glasses and a bottle; first couple of drinks on an empty stomach to really take off the edge.

Sam sighs as he looks down into the amber whiskey. And Dean doesn't say anything, just clinks their glasses together on his own and then they throw back the drink, feeling the burn all the way down until it ignites aglow in their stomachs. Sam hums and Dean gives him a grin knowing the safe, comforting feeling.

He wonders. As in he feels _wonder_, overwhelming awe. He and Dean, here together, successful in their suicidal mission to save the world. It's enough to make his head spin, but inside he is content and so so grateful. Dean is lying across his bed, drink in hand, real and warm and his eyes are watching Sam with his familiar concern and adoration. And who would really say no to that? Who would give this up? Not him.

And of course Rowena knew. That was we she had picked him, maybe why Death had picked him too. They knew when faced with this decision time and time again he would never give up his brother. His life line. His Dean. They knew that, one _life_, no matter the importance, the innocence, Dean's would always outweigh it.

And it wasn't just because Sam loved Dean. It was because he _needed_ him. For survival, for sanity...for _life_. To be able to feel that thing in his chest burning when Dean laughed, when Dean forced him to eat cheeseburgers at three a.m, when they shared silent looks and knew exactly what the other was thinking. When they sling bloody machetes over their shoulders and grinned with the thrill of hunt. _Life_ coursing through their veins.

And so of course both Rowena and Death both knew. Knew that when faced with the decision. He would make the one that saved Dean's _life_...but also saved Sam's.

Because Sam didn't want to exist. He wanted to _live_. And he needed Dean for that...not Rowena, not Cas, not Ketch, not even God.

Just Dean.

...the end.

Alrighty guys! Hope you like this. Sorry I didn't tag last week, I just did not connect to the episode at all. But hopefully this will make up for it! ;)

LEAVE A REVIEW IF YOU LIKE IT!


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